The Sun Bear…

So something hit me like a brick wall tonight, you see my friend Brandyn told me about a sun bear in this zoo that they used to go to in California. As Brandyn tells it, anytime they would go to the zoo, that sun bear would be in his enclosure simply pacing back and forth as though he knows his instincts are telling him he’s not supposed to be confined in that enclosure. To my surprise I found an unexpected resonance with that pacing bear, because, in a way, I am that sun bear, trapped in my own mental enclosure.

My thoughts, much like the sun bear’s restless pacing, often lead me in circles within the confines of my mind. It’s as if I’ve constructed an intricate cage, not with steel bars, but with my own thoughts. Every time I try to venture beyond, another thought forms a seemingly impenetrable wall, leading to yet another thought and another wall. I’ve become so preoccupied with this endless cycle of thought, that I’ve lost touch with the present moment.

I find myself asking, why? I’ve been blessed with a healthy body, a compassionate heart, and an inner drive that used to propel me forward with purpose and determination. But somewhere along the way, that inner drive has dwindled, leaving me feeling lost and confined within the walls of my own mind.

Yes, there are moments when I break free from this mental enclosure. I’ve accomplished things like creating this blog, this website and designing these shirts, but then, like clockwork, the metaphorical walls of thoughts come crashing down, erasing my progress. I can’t continue to allow myself to remain in this self-imposed prison. The stakes are too high.

The thought of spending weeks, months or years like this terrifies me. It means missing out on precious moments, like the fleeting days of Canaan’s childhood and the pivotal years of Jaden’s transition into adulthood. It means squandering the immense potential that I know resides within me, just waiting to be unleashed.

I can’t afford to become the sun bear, pacing endlessly within the confines of my own mind. The burning desire to break free, to rediscover that lost inner drive, has become undeniable. I may not have all the answers right now, but one thing is certain—I need to start clawing my way out of this mental enclosure.

The journey won’t be easy, it will be full of up and downs and there may be moments when the walls of thought threaten to close in again, in fact I know that will happen. But I refuse to be a prisoner of my own mind. With every victory of progress, I’ll reclaim a piece of myself, inching closer to the vibrant, purposeful life I know I’m meant to live.

I want to be open about my inner struggles and my triumphs over them. Because I know I will conquer them. I know I’ll find myself again, because I have and always will carry that version within me. He’s just buried at the moment.